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Bereavement
and Grieving
Bereavement
is a distressing but common experience. Sooner or later most of
us will suffer the death of someone we love or the loss of a
deeply meaningful relationship. Yet in our everyday life we
think and talk about death very little, perhaps because we
encounter it less often than previous generations. For them, the
death and loss was a far more common experience. For us, these
losses usually happen later in life. So we do not have much of a
chance either to learn about grieving - how it feels, what are
the right things to do, what is 'normal' - or to come to terms
with it. In spite of this, we have to cope when we are finally
faced with the death of someone we love.
We
grieve after any sort of loss, but most powerfully after the
death of someone we love. It is not just one feeling, but a
whole succession of feelings, which take a while to get through
and which cannot be hurried.
Mostly, we grieve for someone that we have known for some
time. However, it is clear that people who have had stillbirths
or miscarriages, or who have lost very young babies, grieve in
the same way and need the same sort of care and consideration.
In
days following the death or loss of a close relative,
friend or relationship, most people feel simply stunned,
as though they cannot believe it has actually happened. They may
feel like this even if the death has been expected.
This sense of emotional numbness
can be a help in getting through all the important practical
arrangements that have to be made, such as getting in touch with
relatives and organising the funeral. However, this feeling of
unreality may become a problem if it goes on too long. Seeing
the body of the dead person may, for some, be an important way
of beginning to overcome this.
Similarly,
for many people, the funeral s an occasion when the reality of
what has happened really starts to sink in. It may be
distressing to attend the funeral, but these are ways of saying
goodbye and starting the process of bringing closure. At the
time, these things may seem too painful to go through and so are
not done. However, this can lead to a sense of deep regret in
the future.
However,
this numbness soon disappears and may be replaced by a dreadful
sense of agitation, of pining or yearning
for the lost person. There is a feeling of wanting somehow to
find them, even though this is clearly impossible. This makes it
difficult to relax or concentrate and it may be difficult to
sleep properly. Some
people feel that they 'see' their lost person everywhere they
go. People often
start to feel angry
at this time.
Another
common feeling is guilt.
People find themselves going over in their minds all the things
they would have liked to have said or done. They may even
consider what they could have done differently that might have
prevented the death. Of course, death or loss of a relationship
is usually beyond anyone's control and a bereaved person may
need to be reminded of this. Some people may feel guilty if they
feel relieved that their loved one has died after a painful or
distressing illness. This feeling of relief is natural,
understandable and very common.
This
state of agitation
is usually strongest about two weeks after the death or loss,
but is soon followed by times of quiet sadness or even
depression, and withdrawal. These sudden changes of emotion can
be confusing both to the individual or close friends, but are
part of the normal process of grief.
Although the agitation lessens, the periods of depression
become more frequent and reach their peak between four and six
weeks later. Spasms of grief can occur at any time, sparked off
by people, places or things that bring back memories of the lost
person. Other people
may find it difficult to understand or be embarrassed when the
bereaved person suddenly bursts into tears for no obvious
reason. At this stage it may be tempting to keep away from other
people who do not fully understand or share the grief. However,
avoiding others can store up trouble for the future, and it is
usually best to start to return to one's normal activities
within a couple of weeks.
As
time passes, the fierce pain of early bereavement begins to
fade. The depression lessens and it is possible to think about
other things and even to look again to the future. However, the
sense of having lost a part of oneself never goes away entirely.
For bereaved partners there are constant reminders
of their new singleness, in seeing other couples together and
from the deluge of media images of happy families. After some
time it is possible to feel whole again, even though a part is
missing. Even so, years later you may sometimes find yourself
talking as though he or she were still here with you.
These
various stages of grief often
overlap and show themselves in different ways in different
people. Most recover from a major bereavement or loss within one
or two years. The final phase of grieving is a letting-go
of the person who has died and the start of a new sort of life.
The depression clears completely, sleep improves and energy
returns to normal. Sexual feelings may have vanished for some
time, but now return - this is quite normal.
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